I'm A Walking Oxymoron

Oxymoron:

Defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary as: A combination of words that have opposite or very different meanings

Throughout the last 20 years of my life I have on occasion retained the services of a therapist.  I know it's not for everyone, but it works for me. My current therapist has been a very different experience for me. I assume it's because we all grow and change as we age, so I am guessing my needs have changed, and she just fits my current need.

Funny enough, I struggle repeatedly to remember her name. I am awful at names. I can see a face and say to them "hey didn't I meet you in Target a few years back, you bought pampers and had a really cool teal shirt on". Same thing with old classmates, even ones I could have been close to at one time or another, I struggle to remember their names. So it's nothing "new" with me. However, I will remember details about our visits. 

One thing I will never forget about my visits with her is when she laughed at something I said and called me a walking oxymoron.  Was it rude? Nope. It was SO true.  It IS so true. She asked me if I ever do anything spontaneous, do I like spontaneity? My response "I love being spontaneous, as long as I can plan it." (hence the oxymoron).  I'm pretty proud of that statement, all of it really.  I think at one point in my life I may have been bothered by it all, but I am just going to claim it. It is me.  

What's the big deal? Simply put, "I am becoming who I am". I am not a toy doll, that you can dress and make up at free will, or like a marionette who can be pulled this way and that. You don't control me. I make my own choices, and I make choices jointly with my husband. I am learning how to not worry what others think, because quite honestly, the only ones that matter are God and my husband. In that order. 

I don't have the answers to everything. Sometimes I don't have the answers to anything. What we can be sure of though, I will not bend and break to your will. You cannot shred me like a piece of paper and throw me out. I have the fortitude to break free of you. I will rise above the ashes of the torn down, broke down, destabilizing structural prison you have created around me. You will try to fight me on this, you will cast doubt and shame. You will remind me of every single poor choice I have ever made, yet in the end, you will still lose.

You cannot see the miles of track I am laying down to avoid the pitfalls of your hellish nightmares. You cannot see the suit of armor I am building around me, because you are too busy plotting your revenge, but I promise you, you will always lose. You cannot see the mountains and valleys I have placed around myself as areas of protection, you think you know the path to find me to slay me, but I promise you do not. Once again you lose. 

Face the facts. I win. I will always win. I have God on my side. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I am putting on the full armor of the Lord. Every second of every day I am surrounded by his protection. So move on. 

I win.

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