I'm A Walking Oxymoron

Oxymoron:

Defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary as: A combination of words that have opposite or very different meanings

Throughout the last 20 years of my life I have on occasion retained the services of a therapist.  I know it's not for everyone, but it works for me. My current therapist has been a very different experience for me. I assume it's because we all grow and change as we age, so I am guessing my needs have changed, and she just fits my current need.

Funny enough, I struggle repeatedly to remember her name. I am awful at names. I can see a face and say to them "hey didn't I meet you in Target a few years back, you bought pampers and had a really cool teal shirt on". Same thing with old classmates, even ones I could have been close to at one time or another, I struggle to remember their names. So it's nothing "new" with me. However, I will remember details about our visits. 

One thing I will never forget about my visits with her is when she laughed at something I said and called me a walking oxymoron.  Was it rude? Nope. It was SO true.  It IS so true. She asked me if I ever do anything spontaneous, do I like spontaneity? My response "I love being spontaneous, as long as I can plan it." (hence the oxymoron).  I'm pretty proud of that statement, all of it really.  I think at one point in my life I may have been bothered by it all, but I am just going to claim it. It is me.  

What's the big deal? Simply put, "I am becoming who I am". I am not a toy doll, that you can dress and make up at free will, or like a marionette who can be pulled this way and that. You don't control me. I make my own choices, and I make choices jointly with my husband. I am learning how to not worry what others think, because quite honestly, the only ones that matter are God and my husband. In that order. 

I don't have the answers to everything. Sometimes I don't have the answers to anything. What we can be sure of though, I will not bend and break to your will. You cannot shred me like a piece of paper and throw me out. I have the fortitude to break free of you. I will rise above the ashes of the torn down, broke down, destabilizing structural prison you have created around me. You will try to fight me on this, you will cast doubt and shame. You will remind me of every single poor choice I have ever made, yet in the end, you will still lose.

You cannot see the miles of track I am laying down to avoid the pitfalls of your hellish nightmares. You cannot see the suit of armor I am building around me, because you are too busy plotting your revenge, but I promise you, you will always lose. You cannot see the mountains and valleys I have placed around myself as areas of protection, you think you know the path to find me to slay me, but I promise you do not. Once again you lose. 

Face the facts. I win. I will always win. I have God on my side. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I am putting on the full armor of the Lord. Every second of every day I am surrounded by his protection. So move on. 

I win.

• 
  

Quick Throw the Life Preserver - I'm Sinking!

It is 1:30 a.m. In about an hour I'll probably head off to bed. Hopefully I will be able to sleep. Right now my heart is in my throat. It's beating so fast I can't seem to slow it down. I am reaching out, stretching as far as I can, looking for a life preserver so that I don't sink in my own anxiety attack. That is the best way I can describe it. You feel as though you are sinking deeper and deeper into muddy waters with no life preserver in sight.

Typically when this happens, I am curled up in a ball on my bed.  The fan blowing on me. Taking deep breaths. However, it's 1:30 a.m. Scott is sound asleep.  I fear that the shaking of my body will wake him and he has to work tomorrow.  I want him well rested so he can keep doing a great job. Besides, I know this will pass. Eventually.

The one question that everyone seems to want an answer to when this happens is "Well, what brought it on this time?"  Many times *THIS* is emphasized, with obvious disgust and annoyance. How dare I ruin their day by doing this to them. So sorry most times I can't tell you what brought it on THIS time.  Today is different though, I can tell you, but I don't want to. So please, stop asking.

There is always one thing you can do for me - pray.  Most times I would love it if you sit next to me and pray over me. However, only if you're comfortable.  All you have to do is ask before you touch me. Your touch can feel like a bolt of lightening to my sensitive skin. That is another issue all together. We'll save it for another time. Yet praying over me, with me, that is always helpful, even if I only feel better for a moment or two, that is ok.  You have alleviated 2 minutes of stress which feel like 30. So thank you.

I really don't expect everyone to get it, just accept me and love me as I am. Know that I can't always return that love and acceptance at this particular moment.  It has nothing to do with you. Not sure it has anything, really, to do with me. It is an anxiety attack.  It has no rhyme or reason.  Has no time nor season. It just - is. So my friends, if you see me drowning, and see the waters are murky all around, don't be afraid to throw me a life preserver. I promise you, I will be grateful.

Goodnight.

The Difference Between Religion and a Relationship With God

God honestly works in mysterious ways.  Saturday evening I made steps towards starting my own blog.  I spent nearly two hours setting it up as best as I could before I was so tired I had to go to bed. When I got up this morning I told Scott what I was doing. Entirely excited about the prospect of writing again and maybe even entertaining the masses.

As I am wide awake at nearly midnight on Sunday, I decided to continue to work on my blog set up and maybe even possibly start blogging. I logged in and the first thing I saw was my husband's short sermon already posted to *MY* blog. To say I was annoyed and incensed at the very notion that he could invade my space is an understatement. Why? Why did he do it, ugh. I decided to listen to the sermon. I am ashamed to say, my intention was to listen so I could pick him apart in the morning.  You know, just what everyone wants to do in the morning when they wake up to go to work, fight with their spouse. I was going to ruin his day because he dared to invade my territory.

SO... I listened. You may want to also. It's down there... at the end of this blog. I've kept it where it needs to be. Why you ask? Because my husband is the head of this household. He is my spiritual leader. He has a heart for Jesus. I look up to him and look to him in all things within this household. I left it here because he has something important to say. Someone out there needs these words. Yes, he made a decision without my permission, but as soon as I was done listening to the sermon, I took a deep breath. The anger having passed within a minute of listening to him. This may be *MY* blog, but he is MY husband. I am HIS wife. What is his - is mine. And what is mine - is his.

You see, I don't have religion. I have a relationship with God. I don't want to be a Pharisee and be pious. I want to be Christ-like. I want to be quick to forgive and swift to love. I want my hot temper to be tempered and peppered with salt and light. You cannot control how someone treats you, but you can control your reaction. Every relationship in your life should be a reflection of your relationship with God.  As you can see, my relationship needs some "righting".  Take a listen to this mini-sermon and right your relationship today.