The Art of Decluttering

Hey all!  Welcome back to my life.  It has been a rough couple of months over in the Lutz Family household.  However, we survived! In between my nervous breakdowns (yes, with an "s"), I have managed to cook, clean, work, and on occasion we have managed to go to church.  My topic of conversation today has to do with cleaning though, so let's get started.

If you step into our apartment on any given (unplanned) visit you will find a small 570 square foot living space filled with enough items that can safely fit into a 1,000 square foot apartment. Know the feeling? Well, if you do, I am sorry to hear that.  If you don't, welcome to my world.  If you are smart you will leave breadcrumbs to the front door so you can find your way out. Of note, the breadcrumbs might disappear as my dog likes to eat off the floor. So... enter at your own risk.

Several months ago I determined I needed to declutter.  Ok, nearly 5 months ago.   I bought 5 (I think?) tote bins and set about throwing everything in my kitchen and dining room and laying all over into these bins so I can sort through it all.  Keep in mind, 80% of it is mail.  While going through a long bout of depression and anxiety without meds what happened is what has happened frequently in the past.  I can't face our bills.  We do not make enough to pay them all.  The hardest ones are the medical bills.   I HATE opening the mail. It's always bad news.  So it sits and grows into piles. Collection letter after letter growing. I admit it. I have a problem. It is not an overspending problem, but more of a "I can't face the overwhelming responsibility of life" problem. It's not a "maturity" problem. It's a disease. Depression and Anxiety are real. I am a poster child.

Let's fast forward a bit.  For a couple of months I continued adding mail and other "stuff" into these tote bins.  I outgrew the bins and more stuff has begun piling up around me.  I was about to purchase more bins when my meds *FINALLY* kicked in enough for me to begin "facing the music", so to speak. How do you begin to weed through at least a year of your life? One minute at a time. It has taken me at least 3 months to go through 2 of the boxes.  I've made some phone calls here and there and set up some payment arrangements, none of which we can really "afford", but I will go through THAT topic another time.  I just keep reminding myself that God is in control, I am not.

Now I know some of you are sitting there and thinking "It took 3 months to go through 2 boxes? That's a ridiculously long period of time". How do I know you are thinking that? Because I think that myself every day.  Especially on the days I just can't deal with it and NO decluttering whatsoever gets done. There are more days of NO decluttering then there ARE days of decluttering. More "stuff" is piling up around me as I sit here and type this.  I could ask for and get physical help from friends. I have people more than willing to "hold my hand" through this, but the fact remains, *I* must do it and for the most part I am more comfortable doing it by myself. I could sit here and slam myself for the "lack of decluttering" I have done, but when I start thinking that way I remind myself of the two trips to Goodwill I have taken since this began.  The three bags of yarn I have in the trunk of my car to take to a friend's house to "gift" to her and some other friends that want it.  I remind myself that I have thrown away at least two 13-gallon trashbags of mail that was just junk mail, one Trader Joe's paper sack filled with catalogs and mail, and the 30-gallon trash bag full of so much "stuff" that was only worth going to the trash bin. So while it may not seem like a lot on initial view, it really was.

Now I know you are saying, how did all of that fit in two tote bins? It didn't.  What I neglected to tell you that in between all of this I have been watching youtube videos on the KonMari method of decluttering, based off a book titled The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. These videos and reading parts of her book have inspired me to take some drastic steps on the days I am capable.  I have gone through all of my clothes.  Helped Scott go through his (had to explain the rules as we went along and let me tell you I was so impressed by his decisions!), decluttered my yarn, passed a dresser along to my sister-in-law and purchased an inexpensive streamlined chest of drawers (more my style and I love it!), decluttered my kitchen drawers and Scott and I both tackled our desk drawers.

Along the way, while watching some of these videos I was amazed at the amount of clothes that people have in their closets.  Even with all of our clothes put together before decluttering we didn't have even a quarter of what most of these people in the videos had.  I sort of felt my "poorness" of the last few years and it made me feel somewhat "less than".  But only for a few minutes.  Then I realized I had less work to do in my closet than those people and that made me feel fantastic. LOL.

I am definitely not following the pattern of decluttering as suggested in the book, because taking all of my papers (bills etc.) and dumping that all in the middle of the floor would cause an instant panic attack, nevermind the self-inflicting injuries that would occur just by me walking past this pile of papers at any point.  Seriously, I could trip on a piece of lint. That's another blog story though. With that being said I have been inspired to keep going.  It may take me the rest of next year to get through this small apartment, but I won't give up, only take the necessary breaks for my sanity.

Decluttering, it really is an art.  Do you have the necessary talent?

The Elephant In The Room

That is what my doctor called it.  Perhaps a poor choice of words when discussing ones weight. I think there are a lot of things I am uncomfortable about with this doctor at this point. It would be lovely if I could just drop it all. I would love to exercise. I can't at this point. I do as much as I can outside of my work hours. I take my dog on 4 or 5 mini walks (think 2-4 block range). This is all I can do. I wish I can say this is all I can "tolerate", but I can't tolerate it. It hurts like hell.

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I drafted this blog a little more than a month ago.  I have since found a new doctor.  My therapist and I discussed what happened and she knows of my struggles. One day I will share them with you all, but for now it's very personal. No, I don't need advice on how to lose weight or told what I am doing wrong.  There are so many aspects of me that you can't even begin to comprehend. For the time being  know I am going to be making an appointment with a reproductive metabolic specialist due to my PCOS which has been ravaging my body for years. Dang hormones. It's only gotten worse since I started going through menopause. YAY, not.

As I sit here at this desk today, I have had a million thoughts run through my mind already and I have only been awake for 2 hours.  My goal today is to declutter the closet by the front door. No easy feat when you have had an ongoing anxiety attack for the last two days. I should probably rephrase that... I've had multiple anxiety attacks over the course of the last couple days. That would be more accurate.  Today is my "home work day" and I have a lot to get done for the week. I don't have time for anxiety. LOL

Decluttering is not always an easy thing to do.  There are so many "attachments" to items that I don't need.  Somehow keeping these items makes me feel better because I can't afford (at the moment) to get what I really need or want. So I have been keeping useless junk. Crazy. I know.  Ok, I think I just changed my mind on what I am cooking for dinner. Yes, I know we were talking about decluttering. *sigh* This is my brain folks, isn't it lovely? Random random random.

I know what you're thinking too, "Why is she blogging when she has nothing to say?". Because it helps me process all that is in my head. That's why. LOL This is what goes on in my mind on a daily basis.  Welcome to my world. :D

My Internal GPS Needs A New Battery

I reflect a lot on my life. On all that has happened, the lessons learned, the heartache, the laughter, the love. Self-reflection is the pinnacle of duality. There is no other time where we can feel both accomplished and a failure within one thought process. It is the time we are most honest with ourselves, yet in the same breath we can lie to ourselves so convincingly.

Why are we like this? I believe it's self-preservation.  How else do we get through life's twists and turns and ceaseless days of the mundane and still survive? We go into self-preservatione mode.  What do I need to do this minute to make it through the next five minutes?  How do I get from Point A to Point C without tripping over B? So many questions and never enough answers. And if you have gotten through this paragraph alone, you can see how my brain works at least 20 hours a day.

I can honestly say my life looks nothing like I expected it to when I was 16.  I thought for sure by 18 I would meet the love of my life, get married right after high school, have five children and live happily ever after. Somewhere along the way my internal GPS died and I lost my way. I spent many years like that. Just like a smoke alarm that beeps reminding you that you need a new battery, so did my internal GPS. Beep - get back on track Donna. Beep - break up with that guy Donna. Beep - Re-route your life Donna. Beep. Beep. Beep. All the while I was ignoring the reminders to replace the batteries and get back on the right road.

So here I sit. Too afraid to purchase new batteries, in fear that they may be the wrong ones.  Frozen at the checkout line because there are none labeled "one-size fits all". I take a deep breath, close my eyes and just choose one.  Is it the battery I need to get my GPS back on track? There is only one way to find out. Give it a try. I put a new battery in and the GPS hums back to life. Re-routing. Re-routing. Re-routing. Proceed ahead 3 steps, make a right turn, find happiness, right where it's been all along, but you were too blind to see it. From here on out, it's one step at a time. Should you ever need to replace the battery again it will be a piece of cake. You know the ropes now.

It's a new world, brave girl and it's ripe with adventure. Don't hold back, don't fear getting lost, and finally, don't worry what others think.

I'm A Walking Oxymoron

Oxymoron:

Defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary as: A combination of words that have opposite or very different meanings

Throughout the last 20 years of my life I have on occasion retained the services of a therapist.  I know it's not for everyone, but it works for me. My current therapist has been a very different experience for me. I assume it's because we all grow and change as we age, so I am guessing my needs have changed, and she just fits my current need.

Funny enough, I struggle repeatedly to remember her name. I am awful at names. I can see a face and say to them "hey didn't I meet you in Target a few years back, you bought pampers and had a really cool teal shirt on". Same thing with old classmates, even ones I could have been close to at one time or another, I struggle to remember their names. So it's nothing "new" with me. However, I will remember details about our visits. 

One thing I will never forget about my visits with her is when she laughed at something I said and called me a walking oxymoron.  Was it rude? Nope. It was SO true.  It IS so true. She asked me if I ever do anything spontaneous, do I like spontaneity? My response "I love being spontaneous, as long as I can plan it." (hence the oxymoron).  I'm pretty proud of that statement, all of it really.  I think at one point in my life I may have been bothered by it all, but I am just going to claim it. It is me.  

What's the big deal? Simply put, "I am becoming who I am". I am not a toy doll, that you can dress and make up at free will, or like a marionette who can be pulled this way and that. You don't control me. I make my own choices, and I make choices jointly with my husband. I am learning how to not worry what others think, because quite honestly, the only ones that matter are God and my husband. In that order. 

I don't have the answers to everything. Sometimes I don't have the answers to anything. What we can be sure of though, I will not bend and break to your will. You cannot shred me like a piece of paper and throw me out. I have the fortitude to break free of you. I will rise above the ashes of the torn down, broke down, destabilizing structural prison you have created around me. You will try to fight me on this, you will cast doubt and shame. You will remind me of every single poor choice I have ever made, yet in the end, you will still lose.

You cannot see the miles of track I am laying down to avoid the pitfalls of your hellish nightmares. You cannot see the suit of armor I am building around me, because you are too busy plotting your revenge, but I promise you, you will always lose. You cannot see the mountains and valleys I have placed around myself as areas of protection, you think you know the path to find me to slay me, but I promise you do not. Once again you lose. 

Face the facts. I win. I will always win. I have God on my side. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I am putting on the full armor of the Lord. Every second of every day I am surrounded by his protection. So move on. 

I win.

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Quick Throw the Life Preserver - I'm Sinking!

It is 1:30 a.m. In about an hour I'll probably head off to bed. Hopefully I will be able to sleep. Right now my heart is in my throat. It's beating so fast I can't seem to slow it down. I am reaching out, stretching as far as I can, looking for a life preserver so that I don't sink in my own anxiety attack. That is the best way I can describe it. You feel as though you are sinking deeper and deeper into muddy waters with no life preserver in sight.

Typically when this happens, I am curled up in a ball on my bed.  The fan blowing on me. Taking deep breaths. However, it's 1:30 a.m. Scott is sound asleep.  I fear that the shaking of my body will wake him and he has to work tomorrow.  I want him well rested so he can keep doing a great job. Besides, I know this will pass. Eventually.

The one question that everyone seems to want an answer to when this happens is "Well, what brought it on this time?"  Many times *THIS* is emphasized, with obvious disgust and annoyance. How dare I ruin their day by doing this to them. So sorry most times I can't tell you what brought it on THIS time.  Today is different though, I can tell you, but I don't want to. So please, stop asking.

There is always one thing you can do for me - pray.  Most times I would love it if you sit next to me and pray over me. However, only if you're comfortable.  All you have to do is ask before you touch me. Your touch can feel like a bolt of lightening to my sensitive skin. That is another issue all together. We'll save it for another time. Yet praying over me, with me, that is always helpful, even if I only feel better for a moment or two, that is ok.  You have alleviated 2 minutes of stress which feel like 30. So thank you.

I really don't expect everyone to get it, just accept me and love me as I am. Know that I can't always return that love and acceptance at this particular moment.  It has nothing to do with you. Not sure it has anything, really, to do with me. It is an anxiety attack.  It has no rhyme or reason.  Has no time nor season. It just - is. So my friends, if you see me drowning, and see the waters are murky all around, don't be afraid to throw me a life preserver. I promise you, I will be grateful.

Goodnight.

The Difference Between Religion and a Relationship With God

God honestly works in mysterious ways.  Saturday evening I made steps towards starting my own blog.  I spent nearly two hours setting it up as best as I could before I was so tired I had to go to bed. When I got up this morning I told Scott what I was doing. Entirely excited about the prospect of writing again and maybe even entertaining the masses.

As I am wide awake at nearly midnight on Sunday, I decided to continue to work on my blog set up and maybe even possibly start blogging. I logged in and the first thing I saw was my husband's short sermon already posted to *MY* blog. To say I was annoyed and incensed at the very notion that he could invade my space is an understatement. Why? Why did he do it, ugh. I decided to listen to the sermon. I am ashamed to say, my intention was to listen so I could pick him apart in the morning.  You know, just what everyone wants to do in the morning when they wake up to go to work, fight with their spouse. I was going to ruin his day because he dared to invade my territory.

SO... I listened. You may want to also. It's down there... at the end of this blog. I've kept it where it needs to be. Why you ask? Because my husband is the head of this household. He is my spiritual leader. He has a heart for Jesus. I look up to him and look to him in all things within this household. I left it here because he has something important to say. Someone out there needs these words. Yes, he made a decision without my permission, but as soon as I was done listening to the sermon, I took a deep breath. The anger having passed within a minute of listening to him. This may be *MY* blog, but he is MY husband. I am HIS wife. What is his - is mine. And what is mine - is his.

You see, I don't have religion. I have a relationship with God. I don't want to be a Pharisee and be pious. I want to be Christ-like. I want to be quick to forgive and swift to love. I want my hot temper to be tempered and peppered with salt and light. You cannot control how someone treats you, but you can control your reaction. Every relationship in your life should be a reflection of your relationship with God.  As you can see, my relationship needs some "righting".  Take a listen to this mini-sermon and right your relationship today.